On Alias

They Scanned Our Brain Waves From Orbit...

By Roxanne Longstreet Conrad

I love Alias. I’m a first-adopter; I was an Alias fan from the premiere on. I hooted when I got my new HDTV and realized the show was wide-screen and psychedelically high-deffy. I love the kickboxing, the cool shoes, the bad-ass wigs, the shameless use of lingerie and frequent use of automatic weapons. Okay, like a lot of people, I started getting bogged down in the increasingly sticky mythology of Rambaldi, but heck, it was still kinda cool, because science fiction? DaVinci? Cool.

I even like Evil!Lauren. I like the sexual heat of want-Sydney-can’t-have-her-because-I’m-married-to-an-evil-traitorous-bitch Vaughn. I can even kind of buy the idea of Redeemed!Sloane, though I’m still secretly waiting for him to bury the knife in someone’s back.

So you can imagine my shock when I saw an episode of Alias that went completely off the rails, crashed, burned and exploded. Surely, I thought, this cannot be the fault of my beloved writers! Like Sydney presented with evidence of the latest betrayal by someone she trusted, well, I just couldn’t accept it. So, like any good Alias fan, I did a little digging. It involved cool gadgets, spy planes, fake IDs, a purple wig and spandex, but I’m prepared to give my all for my fandoms.

I can now reveal that I am in possession of secret documents, retrieved at great personal risk from the vaults of SD-6’s secret Los Angeles bunker, that show a mole inside the Alias staff. The episode in question was a terrorist act. And, thank God, I’m  …

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