On True Blood

A Kinder, Gentler Vampire

By Vera Nazarian

It seems like vampire leading men are all the same.

Whether it’s “vegetarian” vampire Edward from Twilight, brooding champion of the innocent Angel from Buffy, righteous detective Nick Knight from Forever Knight, sweet vermin-eating weakling Stefan from The Vampire Diaries, or remorseful and compassionate Louis from Anne Rice’s The Vampire Chronicles–they’ve all got a certain something.

Really, think about it.

It’s as if a committee of all-powerful creative types got together for a super-sekrit brainstorming session and assembled a very special “vampire romantic hero prototype” package.

First they went, “Hmmm. What is it that women (or queer men; let’s be inclusive here) want in their sexy XY chromosome bloodsucker? Oh, we know! A very heavy forehead! A broody heavy forehead, with almost Neanderthal brow ridges. Very manly, almost Klingon. You know what they say about forehead size and–”

After much unseemly tittering, they continued. “Okay, what next? Kind of bulky, well-ripped, with rock-hard abs. Must have darkish hair, short-trimmed, manly.”

“Yes, yes, manly,” they all muttered. “The opposite of metrosexual, very clean-cut. We cannot have metrosexual.”

“Wait–I kind of want metrosexual!” called a lonely voice from the back. “With pretty flowing locks?” But the speaker was immediately football-tackled and shackled to his chair. As his mouth was being viciously duct-taped, another creative type whispered in his ear, “Quiet! Don’t you know that metrosexual is only for the villain bad-boy and ambiguous love interest? No flowing locks, especially not platinum blond!”

The super-sekrit committee of  …

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