A Kinder, Gentler Vampire

By Vera Nazarian

It seems like vampire leading men are all the same.

Whether it’s “vegetarian” vampire Edward from Twilight, brooding champion of the innocent Angel from Buffy, righteous detective Nick Knight from Forever Knight, sweet vermin-eating weakling Stefan from The Vampire Diaries, or remorseful and compassionate Louis from Anne Rice’s The Vampire Chronicles–they’ve all got a certain something.

Really, think about it.

It’s as if a committee of all-powerful creative types got together for a super-sekrit brainstorming session and assembled a very special “vampire romantic hero prototype” package.

First they went, “Hmmm. What is it that women (or queer men; let’s be inclusive here) want in their sexy XY chromosome bloodsucker? Oh, we know! A very heavy forehead! A broody heavy forehead, with almost Neanderthal brow ridges. Very manly, almost Klingon. You know what they say about forehead size and–”

After much unseemly tittering, they continued. “Okay, what next? Kind of bulky, well-ripped, with rock-hard abs. Must have darkish hair, short-trimmed, manly.”

“Yes, yes, manly,” they all muttered. “The opposite of metrosexual, very clean-cut. We cannot have metrosexual.”

“Wait–I kind of want metrosexual!” called a lonely voice from the back. “With pretty flowing locks?” But the speaker was immediately football-tackled and shackled to his chair. As his mouth was being viciously duct-taped, another creative type whispered in his ear, “Quiet! Don’t you know that metrosexual is only for the villain bad-boy and ambiguous love interest? No flowing locks, especially not platinum blond!”

The super-sekrit committee of …