DEBATE HOST: Welcome to the most popular reality show on high-numbered cable television: The Great Debate! We have two teams of very learned, articulate scholars with us to debate an exciting and timely topic: Resolved: Vampire-themed fiction represents thinly veiled sexuality and violence. Therefore, vampire fiction is not suitable for young adults, and in particular Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, which has brought vampire-themed young adult fiction to the forefront, is not appropriate for young adult readers.

Boos and hisses from the audience.

DEBATE HOST: With us today, arguing that vampire fiction is unsuitable for young adults, are Professor Nelda Harlen-Price, head of the English Literature department at the Skokie Academy for the Arts, and Professor Hans Scheller of the University of Classical Education, author of the monograph On The Sexual Content and Repressive Nature of Folklore-Based Fictional Adaptations.

Reluctant applause from studio audience.

HARLEN-PRICE: Happy to be here.

SCHELLER: Ja.

DEBATE HOST: Advocating the right of young adults to read vampire fiction are two emerging experts in the field, Vampluvrgrl1111 of San Diego, California, whose recent blog, “If You Don’t Love Vampires, You Suck, And So Not in a Good Way,” was so popular that it crashed the entire West Coast server network for approximately sixteen minutes.

VAMPLUVRGRL1111: And I brought down LiveJournal because more than 20,000 people tried to friend me at the same time. Oh, you can call me Mel.

DEBATE HOST: We also welcome Psychosister23, another prominent vampire expert on the Internet. Do you have a real name you’d prefer we use during the  …