Jane Austen has long been a favorite of mine, and I’ve always had a particular fondness for Elizabeth Bennet she was such an independent, intelligent, sassy woman of her time. I wanted to be her! (And marry Mr. Darcy!)

With that in that in mind, I think that Goddess Jane would such liberties as to rewrite Elizabeth’s proposal scenes in parody style—it is done with much affection, and much borrowing of Goddess Jane’s own words. And with the addition of cell phones, of course. . . .

The Episode during which Mr. Collins Nearly but Not Quite Proposes to Elizabeth Bennet (Due to Cunning Use of Cell Phones)

“Lizzy, I insist upon your staying and hearing Mr. Collins,” Mrs. Bennet told her reluctant daughter, Elizabeth.

Really! Early nineteenth-century gels could be so ungrateful and independent. But without a dowry said gel was obliged to grasp any nuptial opportunity that came her way, especially as it guaranteed that the entire family would not be put out destitute in the hedgerows when Mr. Collins inherited Longbourn.

But such fun to plan a wedding! Of course, it also meant a new bonnet for the mother of the bride. And new shoes! Who could resist such a shopping opportunity? Mrs. Bennet flipped open her cell phone . . . her new “Family and Friends” plan was such a comfort to her poor, long-suffering nerves.

As her mother left the room (no doubt with the express intention of calling the Entire World to discuss shoes and  …