To The London Times

ATTENTION: Editorial Section

Dear Sirs:

As an avid reader of your once-fine newspaper, I find myself increasingly displeased with your articles concerning Mrs. Coulter’s behavior and her research into the matter of Dust. You have sullied her fine name by unduly criticizing her character and activities! Your coverage is biased and erroneous, quoting individuals who claim that she is a menace to society, children in particular. On the contrary, she is a boon to both, as I shall explain:

Beautiful, intelligent, gracious and graceful—Mrs. Coulter is all of those things and much more. A caring mother, a competent ally, a sophisticated social butterfly, she has boundless fine qualities that distinguished her from her Oxford peers. Her home is grand and immaculate, her parties lavish and her guest list impressive—I can attest to these things, as I have been a guest in her home on more than one occasion. She wears the finest clothes, exhibits impeccable manners and she has an extraordinary dæmon in the little monkey with the gold, silky coat.

Some—the quick to judge and the slow to evaluate (including your reporters)—would paint her a villain for the acts she commits involving children. These observers are unable to look at the broader view. The discriminating souls able to place society before the individual would certainly see that Mrs. Coulter is a boon to humanity and that suitable praise should be heaped upon this esteemed icon.

Significantly Lowering the Crime and Disease Rate

Mrs. Coulter does  …