In the same funny, engaging vein as her essay for A Visitor’s Guide to Mystic Falls, Alyx Harvey has written up this post after last week’s third episode of The Vampire Diaries.

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“Did you see the new episode of The Vampire Diaries?” Lizzie asked Cat, sitting down with her plastic lunch tray.

Cat speared her with an incredulous glance. “Did I die recently?”

“Um, no?”

“Then of course I’ve seen the new episode,” she said, clearly offended. “I mean honestly.”

Lizzie rolled her eyes. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to call your honor into question.”

“No one’s taken off their shirt yet though,” Cat continued mournfully, propping her chin on her hand. “I’m thinking of writing a strongly worded letter to the network.”

“How about a follow-up essay for English class instead?”

She frowned. “How’s that going to get Damon shirtless again?”

“It’s not, but it might get us bonus marks.”

Cat groaned. “You’ve already started the paper, haven’t you?”

“Kinda.” Lizzie smiled sheepishly, poking the strange green blob on her plate that might have once been broccoli. “Just a little.”

“There’s only ten minutes left of lunch. There’s no time to call up Jane Austen or Emily Bronte, as much as I’d like ‘raising the dead’ as an excuse to miss gym class.”

“We don’t need them this time. This isn’t a full essay, just an addendum.”

“God, you even talk like a teacher.”

“I can’t help it,” Lizzie said defensively. “When Damon killed Jeremy, I had to take notes.”

“You are weird.” Cat paused. “Anyway, I’m sure he didn’t mean it,” she couldn’t help but add.

“He admitted he didn’t know about the ring that made Jeremy invulnerable.”

“I knew you’d harp on that. He was sorry afterward. He saved Elena from the crossbow bolt,” Cat pointed out. “Redemption. That’s one of your big words.”

“He did dip a toe into Romantic Hero territory with that, I admit, but mostly he’s still a Gothic Hero,” Lizzie argued. “Katherine said it best: ‘Don’t try to be a hero, Damon, or you’ll end up dead.’”

“You’re just worried because he makes a better Romantic Hero than Stefan.”

“Ha. Damon’s more of an Anti-Hero now anyway. And I think Jeremy could be the Wounded Hero. And Mason Lockwood the Loner Rebel Hero.”

Cat frowned. “Now you’re just making things up.”

“Am not. I’m expanding the hero timeline.” She took out a notebook, flipping to a page in the middle. “Look, I made a chart.”

“Of course you did.”

“I think before they turned into vampires, Damon was more of the Romantic Hero and Stefan was more Gothic. It was the bloodlust and vampire thing that really moves them around on the timeline.”

“Stefan went a bit Gothic when he tied Katherine to a chair.”

“True, but he’s still firmly in the Romantic camp, because he didn’t enjoy it. And because as Caroline even said, he hates the part of himself that wants Elena’s blood.”

“So remorse and self-loathing affects your placement on Lizzie’s Hero Timeline?”

Lizzie nodded. “Yup.”

“But how come they’re all guys?” Cat grumbled. “I could be a hero.”

“I’ll get you your own cape,” Lizzie assured her. “And Caroline might get herself a spot on the timeline, if she doesn’t go full-fang and become a villain like Katherine.”

“So it’s a vampire thing, not a gender thing. Didn’t vampires used to be the monster?”

“Yes,” Lizzie agreed. “Until the early 19th century when Byron—”

“Blah blah blah. Save it for the paper.”

“So you’ll write it with me?”

“As long as you promise to help me write a letter to the network about the shirtless thing.”