To All the Girls He Loved, Maimed and Banged Before
Dear Mr. Angel,
I received your request regarding the possibility of finding true love. In compiling your report it was necessary to go back several centuries in order to get a clear picture of what your future might hold. Past behavior is an excellent barometer of what is to come.
By looking at what you’ve done wrong for the last two centuries, we get a good vision of prospects for everlasting amour. As we go along we will rate each woman on our true love indicator, with 1 being not such a good choice and 5 the real thing.
Those hundreds of farmers’ daughters, courtesans and bar maidens you banged before you became undead are not included. Consider them a sexual bonus and unworthy of our test.
We begin, therefore, with your tryst with Darla that night in the alley behind the pub, when she gave you the eternal kiss and sentenced you to a life of damnation. God bless her. She knew how to have a good time.
It was Darla who encouraged you to eviscerate your father, the man who believed you to be a bum who would never be worthy of existing, thus sending you down a long road of plundering and gorging on tasty human snacks.
The relationship with Darla was absolutely your longest to date. I mean, come on, 140 years? That’s pretty much it for anybody. And she was so hot. True love? No. But admit it: You had fun terrorizing Europe with that …