On Star Wars

Laziness Leads to Sloth, Sloth to Incompetence, Incompetence to Stupidity, and Stupidity to the Dark Side of the Force

By Nick Mamatas

There are two main problems with the Star Wars films, which in turn lead to a more general problem with movies. The two problems specific to the films are as follows:

  1. Each episode subsequent to Episode IV renders the previous films increasingly nonsensical.
  2. Episodes I through III make episodes IV through VI entirely incoherent.

Since the six films and the endless ancillary products have made billions of dollars, this has led to the third, more general problem:

3. Science fiction and fantasy films are unbearably stupid. Indeed, going to see a science fiction or fantasy movie these days is not dissimilar to attending an extended performance art piece which involves several gorgeous people, all in wonderful if somewhat tasteless costume, wheeling a wheelbarrow full of raw, rancid bacon onto a stage. Handed pitchforks by sequined-spangled assistants, the costumed beauties grab hold tighlty of the handles, stick the spears of the forks into the wheelbarrow, and then fling the rancid bacon at the audience, all while screaming, “Eat it! Eat it, you stupid pigs! You morons love it!” The audience leaps to action, scrambling along the aisles and trying to grab up and shove as much of the foul bacon into their fat mouths as they can, stopping only to look up at the performers, point to their stuffed cheeks and mumble through tangles and blobs of rancid meat, “Yuth yuth ah fuff ith!” The stars sneer and howl, “That’s right, you jowly bastards, gobble it up, and crap yourselves in glee!” When the meat  …

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